Off-Third: NYU says goodbye to random roommates
Off-Third is a satirical column for WSN.
In a disappointing turn of events, NYU will be phasing out its beloved random selection of roommates starting next year, according to a recent statement from university officials. From now on, freshmen will have to deal with their so-called “friends” without the usual adrenaline and excitement that comes with knowing absolutely nothing about the other person sleeping in your room.
You can say goodbye to the very experiences that make college the “best years of your life,” like learning how to clean up after someone or exploring the city at night thanks to your roommate’s well-timed sexual messages.
“My freshman roommate was constantly yelling at her parents on the phone, selling my clothes on eBay,” the Lipton Hall freshman said. “It brings me to tears to think that future freshmen will never know such joy. She also killed my favorite goldfish.”
The system of randomly assigning roommates has received widespread critical acclaim over the past few years. Higher education experts often refer to this as “the only thing NYU has”. The university’s Department of Housing and Housing was inundated with angry calls when it became known that the policy was ending. A spokesperson for the university told WSN it looks like NYU just can’t win.
“We can’t understand why you guys like this system, we thought that you would beg us to make it disappear faster,” the representative was outraged. “You can’t please everyone.”
Despite the university’s protests, there is plenty of evidence that politics is an indispensable pillar of NYU education. A recent study found that on other, much smaller college campuses, where students are allowed to choose their roommates, students reported feeling sleepy and absent-minded compared to NYU freshmen.
“After my roommate threw a plate at my head because I asked him to wash his three-month-old dishes, I was very alert, never slept!” said the inhabitant of the Third North. “It definitely saved me a lot of money on coffee.”
The WSN Opinion Section strives to post ideas worthy of discussion. The views expressed in the “Opinion” section are solely those of the author.
Contact Molly Koch at [email protected].
This story Off-Third: NYU Says Goodbye to Random Roommates first appeared in the Washington Square News.
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