“I Can Be Myself: The Villages Café Helps Carers and Partners Find Mental Health Respite”

VILLAGES, Florida. – An estimated 44 million Americans aged 18 and over provide pro bono assistance and support to seniors and adults with disabilities.

For families with Alzheimer’s and dementia, caring becomes a 24-hour priority, and it can be isolating.

In fact, research shows that family members who care for people with chronic or disabling illnesses are themselves at risk.

Emotional, mental and physical health problems arise from difficult caregiving situations.

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Higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression and other mental health effects are common among family members who are caring for an elderly relative or friend.

While there are respite programs and support groups for carers, few activities involve carers and those they care for as a couple.

Joan Bender and Dick Boyden of The Villages are trying to change that with a project they call Our Moment Café.

“Our focus and our thoughts on the mental health and well-being of our members are of paramount importance,” Boyden said. “What happens is that when a diagnosis is made, the social fabric of your friends starts to come off. It increases isolation.”

Bender and Boyden greeted the guests at the Chula Vista Recreation Center, music and laughter filling the hall. The two invited about a dozen couples to watch a musical performance and enjoy refreshments and conversation.

“People who come to cafes find that they now have a community, their own fabric,” Boyden said.

This month’s theme is Mardi Gras. Volunteers hand out beads and decorative masks to add to the festive atmosphere.

This is a simple walk, but it usually causes stress and confusion for many present.

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“We see that mental health between the caregiver and the one being cared for is two sides of the same coin,” Boyden said. “The focus is on the caregiver. They must have the stamina, they must have the means to go on the journey they are on.”

Everyone here has the same story: they, or those they love, are suffering from early stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia.

“What is happening is that people feel free and comfortable being with others. There is no judgment,” Boyden said as he watched the group dance and sing. “They just say, ‘I can be myself.’

Boyden and Bender began monthly meetings because, they said, nothing in the area met the same need.

“There’s nothing like it in the Villages,” Bender said. “So it caught on like wildfire. We couldn’t even imagine.”

“I think mental health gives people a sense of order in the chaos they may be experiencing,” Boyden said.

Ron and Ann LaChance sat at the table talking to their friends. The couple has been married for 62 years. About six years ago Ron developed dementia and they have been attending cafe meetings for about two years now.

“This is a wonderful program,” said Ann LaChance. “It gives me special time with my husband to do things together. It’s not that we can’t do things at home, but it’s fun, it’s social, it’s relaxing. We look forward to our monthly visit.”

Ann LaChance said that connecting with people who understand the unique challenges of caring for dementia gives her some mental health relief.

She said that in order to care for someone with dementia, you have to give up some of your freedom and even your privacy. There is extra pressure to keep your composure.

“You have to stay in the right frame of mind so that your loved one can stay in the right frame of mind,” Lachance said. “You have to find something you can do that will take you out of the present moment and take you to a place where you can take a deep breath.”

For the LaChance family, it could be watching old movies or visiting the Nash Moment cafe.

Boyden and Bender are board certified dementia specialists. They say their training confirms that caregivers and those they care for tend to isolate themselves from social interaction as symptoms progress. Communication with other people dealing with the same problems brings a certain comfort.

“The experience of caring changes relationships because 100% you have to think about that other person,” Bender said.

Boyden and Bender said they hope these actions will help save the relationship.

“When they have this experience together, the loved one with dementia is now in the present. They are no longer in the past,” Bender said. “So it will create a memory that will keep this relationship going through tough times.”

LaChance agrees. “Your mind can go where it is 16 hours a day and you can get to the point where you can both fall in love again.”

“I think when you look at people’s faces, it’s the smile that makes them smile, they’re relaxed,” Boyden said. “The fact that their caregiver turns to the person they care about and they show a public display of affection just by holding hands.”

Boyden and Bender say they hope to add more bands over time and hopefully they will support themselves as the couples make friends and meet in their free time.

Potential participants and volunteers can contact Nash Moment Cafe at 352-775-9715 and email [email protected] for more information.

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